


Bokuto Koutarou is...

by OwlBokuchaaan



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brokuto with pretty much everyone, Bromance, Bullying, College AU, Coming Out, Homophobia, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Probably ooc, friends are the best, guilt and anxiety, isn't this normal?, iwaoi - Freeform, learning to love yourself, mean mean words, once a neko always a neko, probs switch tenses sorryyyy (-.-), some self loathing, sorrynotsorry, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-20 04:22:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8235928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OwlBokuchaaan/pseuds/OwlBokuchaaan
Summary: Bokuto Koutarou is many things. Amazing and wonderful things. One thing he is not, though, is straight.This is the story of one exuberant young man learning what it means to be himself, the different types of love, and to overcome anything ahead of him with a little help from his friends.





	1. NOT LATE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a/n: Akaashi and Kenma, for the purposes of my story, are in the same year as the other four.

  
Bokuto Koutarou is many things. He is loud, emotional, exuberant, impulsive, selfish, selfless, giving, overwhelming, protective, and much more. He is lacking in almost all common sense but has an abundance of love. Bokuto just loves life. He loves the beautiful world around him and the beautiful people in it. Bokuto knows that the world isn’t black and white; he knows not everyone is nice, happy, and kind. He knows hatred and anger and darkness are just as prominent in this world as any light. He knows, but he doesn’t understand.

Don’t get him wrong though! He’s definitely felt anger before, dislike and sadness and other such negative emotions. But there is always a lightness outside it ready to embrace him and pull him back and show him the inspiring will of everything around him. Bokuto just ..doesn’t understand how others can, not only willingly, but enjoy hurting others. Bokuto would never, never, willingly hurt another living thing. Unless, of course, they were one of those jerks who took pleasure in causing pain. He wouldn’t hesitate to interfere then. Or if like someone wasn’t in their right mind, and emotions got carried away, you know, he would interfere then too. Actually, really, he would probably try to interfere no matter the situation if someone was going to get hurt. BUT he would only use violence himself if it was one of those who enjoy causing pain. You know. No matter the cost to himself. To protect.

IF Bokuto had one great weakness, it would probably be self-deprecation. You know man, like, while his arms and mind are open to see and accept all the good in the world, he might not extend the same courtesy to himself. Bokuto doesn’t show himself the same love he gives to the world. He tries! He talks big and and is constantly talking himself up.

I am the BEST!

How could I not succeed, I am GREAT!

Etc.

But inwardly, Bokuto is very self-critical. He does not like being a burden to others. Bokuto just wants to fit in, to belong and to live in the light. And when he feels he is not, his guilt and anxiety can be overwhelming.

———

Bokuto left his apartment, on a fine and glorious morning, in his usual cheer. He was humming a song and smiling at everything. He was, however, running late (as usual) so he was booking it toward the school.

It's both a blessing and a curse, he thought, to find a place to live so close to campus. While he didn’t have to wait at a bus stop whenever he wanted to leave, or worry about missing one, it was now all on his own power and responsibility to make it to class on time.

“At least today is Saturday. ‘M only meeting the guys to toss around a volleyball. It would be a bitch though to get endlessly teased by Kuroo and the King” Bokuto spoke aloud to himself.

So he kept at his fast pace. He’ll certainly be warmed up for play when he gets there!

———

They were meeting on campus, even though they weren’t playing there. It was just easier than hoping everyone found the park Kuroo and he found.

The spot they’re meeting is in like the front lawn of the university. If the front lawn was HUGE. Its a big area with benches that line walkways that are going every which way and trees of varying sizes scattered all over. Its got the big sign with the universities name on it. There are scattered paved areas with picnic benches and little student built gardens corded off. Toward the end of the lawn the buildings start, with the school book store and merch store right up front in the welcome hall. For when guests come, they don’t have to wander around to find bathrooms or some vending machines. It’s a nice place, with shade and peace when needed and the bustling energy of people constantly coming and going around you. Right now though, it’s nearly empty with the university being on break.

As Bokuto runs onto the lawn where they’re supposed to be meeting, he looks around and sees that Kuroo, Kenma, and Akaashi are already there at a picnic table a little ways from where he appeared.

Akaashi was probably early.

Kenma and Kuroo probably rolled in exactly on time. They’re meticulous like that. Bokuto is sure they came together too. He feels a slight twist in his chest at that thought. But whatever, they’ve been friends forever and Kenma probably wouldn’t participate in any physical exercise without Kuroo dragging him out. So it only makes sense that they’re together.

No wait, he thinks. I meant arrive together, not are together.

But maybe they are together?

No no, he shakes his head to himself. Kuroo would've told him for sure if he was going with Kenma, and Kenma doesn’t go with anyone as far as Bokuto knows. This is stupid. How’d his stupid head start in this direction anyways. But his chest is still feeling heavy, and his heart is pounding harder than it should. His face turns down into a scowl. He knows this feeling; his jealousy is vying with his sudden anxiety for even feeling jealous at all. He tries to shake off the feelings before his friends see him. There’s still a little stumble in his step. He looks up again and sees Akaashi standing, talking with a smiling Kuroo who’s leaning back against the table, arms crossed, where Kenma is sitting playing his game. He gets a sudden idea to cheer himself up, plus make an awesome entrance.

He ducks behind a tree before he thinks they spot him. His mood is already lifting, concerning thoughts pushed away for now.

He can’t help the sudden silent snickers as he cups his hands around his mouth and begins to hoot. He starts quietly, but quickly gets impatient and hoots louder.

“Hoot hoot! Hoot hoooooot!!”

He can hear that their conversations have stopped.

“Hoot hoot! HOOT!”

He hears, “Oh ho ho? Is that a devilishly handsome owl over there I hear calling? Shall I catch it  
for us Kenma? Akaashi? I bet he’d make a nice pet. Or I know! Lets bag ‘m and stuff ‘m!

“A stuffed owl would make a nice talking piece.”

“You would always have a solid conversation starter Kenma.”

“I don’t know…it sounds like a pain to stuff an owl.”

Bokuto was still, listening with growing horror when a messy black-haired head popped around the side of his tree and yelled,” HOOT HOOT MUTHAFUCKA!”

Bokuto screeched, sounding more like an owl than his previous calls, and fell around the tree towards his friends.

“Agghhaaaaaaaaashiiiiiiiiii…!!” He yelled, garbling Akaashi’s name like usual, running towards him and Kenma while Kuroo, the sneaky cat, laughed his ass off following behind.  
  
Bokuto grabbed for Akaashi, but he dipped to the side expertly to avoid his bear hug. Bokuto turned and pouted. “Akaashi, you wouldn’t really hurt a cute little owl right? Right? How could you! And KUROO I THOUGHT WE WERE BROS. Only Kenma is my friend now.” Bokuto put his arm around the small man’s shoulders, who looked uncomfortable because Bokuto was so LOUD, but he sighed resignedly to his situation.

“Bo,” Kuroo was still chuckling, “Kenma didn’t say no! He just doesn’t wanna do the work! Don’t worry Kenma, you would get it sent out for something like that.”

Bokuto turned his back on all of them with an incredible pout on his face.  
  
Akaashi remained impassive, Kenma continued to play with his console, and Kuroo was still letting loose sporadic huffs of amusement at Bokuto’s expense.

Bokuto stayed with his back to them, eyes closed, mouth pouting, chin up, and arms crossed. He waited. When nobody approached him in the next few seconds, he started getting worried they really didn’t care and weren’t going to play along. Then he really would have to commit to this pout! He could feel his humor starting to fade just a tiny bit, but growing faster.

Oh man, what if they’re finally tired of his games? What if they’ve finally reached the limit of how much they can put up with from him? He’s such a bother. He’s so needy and always craves the attention of his friends. It wouldn’t surprise him really. His shoulders start to loosen and he can feel his body starting to droop responsively to his thoughts. He can’t help it. Really, it’s only been about 10 seconds. It feels like forever.

Suddenly there’s a weight thrown over his shoulders. An arm is being unceremoniously slung over them and into the back of his neck, knocking him a little off-kilter. Bokuto’s mouth pops open slightly and he cracks one eye open, hands flinging out to rebalance, to peer at the owner of that arm.  
He sighs infinitesimally.

But the relief he feels spread through him, acknowledging that he wasn’t abandoned, that they weren’t giving up on him, with that sigh is infinite. At least, Bokuto thinks, Kuroo won’t give up on him. Bokuto now has both eyes fixed on Kuroo’s face and that smile and terrible bedhead and gorgeous intelligent warm eyes that really he could get lost in-

-Wait-

-As it tips forward into Bokuto’s line of sight. Kuroo’s other hand is perched on his hip and his smile grows more as he says, “Ah, come on bro! You know we’d really never hurt an owl! They’re too cute! Stop sulking!”

Kuroo tilts his head -cute- and his eyes crinkle with the smile. And Bokuto honestly can’t do anything other than relent and smile right back. He wasn’t really mad anyways. He turns to him and smiles right back, so big his eyes are nearly closed.

“They are cute aren’t they! Just like me!” Bokuto announces happily, tipping his chin up again and sticking his thumb into his chest and placing his other hand on his hip. A clear challenge for someone to disagree.

Kuroo stands back up to his full height and tucks his hands into his front pockets.

“Yes, Bokuto-san, just like you.” Akaashi deadpans but everyone can see the small soft smile there.

Bokuto busies himself with trying to hug Akaashi again.

———

Kuroo and Bokuto decide to start an aggressive thumb war while they wait for the last two of the party.

A couple minutes later, when Kenma is beginning to worry he’s going to be collateral damage in the thumb war that seems to require a lot more movement then he remembers, Akaashi moves forward and calls attention to the two approaching.

“YAHOO~~” they hear and see Oikawa waving and bouncing, with Iwaizumi following behind with a scowl at his companion and his hands in his front pockets.  
  
“About time!” accuses Kuroo, and Bokuto nods firmly in agreement.  
  
“Dammit Shittykawa even Bokuto made it here before us,” Iwaizumi says as he kicks at the back of Oikawa’s knees as they near, causing him to stumble.

“Mean! Mean Iwa-chan!” scolds Oikawa, pouting at him.  
  
“Hey guys” says Iwaizumi, turning away from Oikawa and nodding at them all.

Oikawa turns to them too and says “Good morning Keiji-chan, Kou-chan, Neko-chaaans.”

Kenma and Kuroo look at him and Kuroo asks indignantly, “What are we the same person now?”

“Yup!” says Oikawa, smile wide enough to crinkle his eyes.

Kuroo and Iwaizumi both slap him in the chest at the same time.

“What?! They are always together!”

Kenma just sighs and goes back to the game on his phone.

Bokuto tries to ignore that weight that resettles in his chest.  
  
“Alright shall we head to the park?” asks Akaashi, seemingly trying to get the group back in order. Everyone nods and Kuroo takes off to lead with Kenma by his side. Akaashi moves to follow them and Bokuto steps forward too, but walks backwards so he can talk to Iwaizumi and Oikawa animatedly.

“Hey hey hey! Do you guys think owls are cute? They are right? They’re so majestic and beautiful and they have the coolest call out of all birds and really…”

He rambles on as Oikawa and Iwaizumi share an exasperated, yet fond, look while Kuroo laughs ahead, poking fun at Bokuto’s words they’ve hears a thousand times and Akaashi smiles affectionately from behind Bokuto.

———

When they reach the park, Oikawa notices a small problem that really should have been noticed before.

“Heyyy guys…you realize we have 3 setters here right? But only 2 teams.”

“Huh.”

“How could I not have noticed this.”

“Oh ho ho!”

“Oh ho ho ho!? You have a solution my bro?!”

Kuroo grins and looks down at Kenma, who was in the process of pulling off his hoody. Kenma glances to the side, hoody off his head but still wrapped around his arms, to avoid everyones eyes who are now staring down at him, and fidgets.

“I would like to work on my receiving.” Kenma mumbles.  
  
“OOOOOooooo Kenma you’re growing up! I’ll make sure to spike to yoouuu”

“Good for you Kenma!”

“I wish I could get Bokuto-san to grow up.”

“Wha!?

“Bahaha Kou-chan are you still wearing down your poor setter?!”

“Don’t laugh Shittykawa, you’re still wearing down everyone you meet.”

“Rude Iwa-chan!”

“Akaashi and me have a beautiful partnership!”

“Now now boys, lets make teams. I personally think it would be fun to split up all the duos.”

“Bro - does that mean we can’t be on the same team?!”

“Nah bro. We’re splitting the setters and captains.”

“Man good. I don’t think I could go on if we couldn’t be on the same team.”

“Bro.”

“BRO.”

“Akaashi, how do you handle this? Bokuto is on another level.”

“I’m sorry Iwaizumi, I wasn’t listening to him.”

“Akaaaaaaaaashiiiiiiii….”

“Hahahahaha…Iwa-chan, why do we know these people?”

“I ask myself everyday why I know you Assikawa.”

“Rude!”

“HAHA good one Iwaizumi.”

Kenma tugs at Kuroo’s shirt to get his attention, and then moves to get the volleyball. Kuroo smirks and turns to the others, interrupting the bantering that is still swirling around.

“Oi! Fuckers! We’re all great and we all know it. Now I propose, on one team, Akaashi as setter, with Iwaizumi and Kenma. The other team will then be Oikawa as setter, with myself and Bokuto. Sound fine?”

“Bro!”

“I can toss to anyone.”

“I can pull 100% out of anyone I toss to! Fine with me!”

“We’ll crush you Shittykawa”

“Don’t cheat Bokuto-san.”

“WHA!?”

“Alright it’s decided! You good Kenma? Yeah? Good. Let’s play.”

One one side of the court, Kuroo, Bokuto, and Oikawa all jump high-five each other at the same time and start stretching, Oikawa yelling about their all-captain team and Bokuto about how great they are.

On the other side, Iwaizumi is huddled with Kenma and Akaashi, no doubt listening to the devastating plays they are coming up with to annihilate the idiots.

———

A couple hours into playing Bokuto announces at the top of his lungs “I have to pee!”

Everyone relaxes their playing stances to take a break while they wait for Bokuto to do his business.

Bokuto is still standing on the court. He wants something before he goes.

He walks toward Kuroo and wraps his arm around the back of his neck, pulling him closer and he says, “Bro. You know you’re my best friend right?”

“Yeah bro.” Kuroo answers immediately, though he looks completely confused as to why Bokuto is reminding him at the moment. Bokuto holds back the smile behind his lips and keeps his face stoic.

“I have a proposition for you.”

“Oh?” Kuroo still looks confused, but now there’s some wariness too.

“Yeah. Let’s be girlfriends.” Bokuto says in all seriousness.

“Haah?!”

Bokuto breaks his serious mask and grins at him eagerly.

“Come on bro! Yeah! Girlfriends always go to the bathroom together!”

“What? Bokuto. No way. I’m not going to the bathroom with you.”

“But Kuroooo~, I’ll be so bored! And so lonely! Be my girlfriend!”

“Dude, do you even realize what you’re saying? No. I’m not going to entertain you while you pee dummy. Now go!”

Kuroo pushes him away. Bokuto tries not to look too far into that rejection.

Bokuto stays on the court.

He looks toward Akaashi. Akaashi looks back to him when he notices.

“Akaaaa-“

“No.”

“But what if I get lost~”

“No.”

“But what if-“

“No. You go to school here, you live here. I trust you can find your way to a bathroom and back, Bokuto-san.”

“Akaashi trusts meee~”

“No.”

Everyone bursts out in varying levels of humor. Bokuto pouts but gives in, realizing a fruitless effort. He just wanted some company! He doesn’t want to be left alone with his thoughts today.

But he high-fives Oikawa and Kuroo as he leaves, giving them a slap on the ass too for good measure, waves to to Akaashi and blows a kiss to Iwaizumi. Kenma doesn’t look up from where he’d reclaimed his game console. He turns and walks towards the community park building which is just a little ways. There are always bathrooms in places like that. He’s sure.

  
As Bokuto walks quickly away from his friends, he takes the time to reflect a little. He’s trying to stay positive, keep his chin up and finds himself very thankful for the friends behind him. He’s glad that they all ended up going to the same school together. Even Oikawa and Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi is a great confidant and a steadfast and loyal friend. Oikawa, while still retaining some of his great kingly attitude, has come down to earth. He is really good at saying the exact right thing in any situation. To diffuse tension, to create tension, to calm or to anger. So maybe “the right thing” might not be too accurate, but he certainly knows his way with words and if used right, can heal a broken heart or bring hope to the lost.

Kuroo is his bbf (best bro forever) and life wouldn’t be half as fun without him. His wingman, and partner-in-crime. The only one who might actually know all of Bokuto. Kenma too had opened up and started showing his personality to people other than Kuroo. Bokuto likes Kenma; he feels like a little brother. He always just wants to hug him and squeeze him. But he doesn’t of course…often.

And Akaashi is family. No way around it. Bokuto loves Akaashi and honestly he knows he wouldn’t be where he is today without all the guidance and help of his friend. Yes, Bokuto sure is grateful for those that put up with him enough to count him as a friend.

Before Bokuto knows it, the building he was aiming for is looming in front of him. He picks up his pace and jogs toward the door… and smacks right into it. He grunts in surprise as he stumbles back, rubbing his poor nose. What the hell he thinks. This is a swinging door!

That’s when he notices a sign on the door that reads CLOSED.

Fuck.

He stands there for a minute, weighing his options. But he really does have to pee, so he starts jogging back toward the college commons. Really, it’ll only take another 5 minutes.

\---

Bokuto slows down to a walk when he hits the pavement of the court in from of the welcome building. It looks deserted. But it’s only to be expected since the school is out for the holiday. He hurries over to the bathroom.

When he walks out a couple minutes later, he notices he was incorrect earlier. There are some people in the courtyard. He watches them curiously as he strolls back to the park. There’s like three of them. They’re bigger guys and Bokuto wonders if they play any sports. He can hear them now, but can’t make out any words or nuthin. Just laughter and the buzz of talking. Bokuto looks away and decided to hurry cause he really doesn’t want to hear all about how he actually did get lost from his friends. Even though he didn’t.

He’s just starting to jog again when a new noise comes from the group of boys that causes him to stop cold. He cocks his head and listens intently.

He hears it again.

It’s a tiny cry of pain, sharp and intense. And Bokuto doesn’t think, just turns and starts to walk over to the group.

As he approaches he stays quiet. He was wrong earlier - there are four of them. The three bigger ones standing over a small guy with fiery orange hair. He’s kneeling on the ground, body curled around his legs and arms wrapped to protect his head. He cries out again as one of the guys lifts his foot and makes a solid kick right into the boys small body. The bigger guys all laugh.

Bokuto see red.

Bokuto doesn’t yell out. He just appears behind them, stealthy as fuck, and as one of them lifts his leg to kick out again Bokuto lifts his and kicks right into the back of the only knee now supporting the guy’s body weight.

The guy goes down hard.

The others whip around but Bokuto has already broken into their circle and he goes straight to the cowering boy. Bokuto pats his head, and stands in from of him.

“Stop” he says simply.

The guy he kicked is standing up again and looking pissed, but he doesn’t advance.

“Dude whats your fucking problem!” he shouts at Bokuto.

“I saw you hurt this kid, and now I want you to stop.” Bokuto is still calm, he just wants to get this  
kid away from these three. It’s easier to do that when they aren’t attacking.

The guy Bokuto kicked, who seems to be their leader, laughs. “He’s not just a kid,” he says, “he’s a faggot and we’re teaching him a valuable lesson.”

One of the other guys is laughing too and tells Bokuto this is seriously none of his business and he should really just move along.

Bokuto would never have done what they told him to anyways, but when they guy said that Bokuto felt something grab at his shirt from behind and cling to him. The body was definitely not aggressive and not attacking, so he thought it must be the kid. He risked a glance back, since the three still weren’t showing any sign of advancement, and saw he was right.

The kid had stood and had his head buried in Bokuto’s back, and his fists clenched so tightly in Bokuto’s shirt his knuckles were white. “Please don’t…” a tiny voice whispered “please help me.” The kids voice was so sad and broken Bokuto felt his own heart hurt.

He turned back to the three.

“I don’t care what your problem with this kid is but its over now. It’s done. Leave.”

They looked astonished frankly. The leader takes one step toward Bokuto, and the others flank him. “Didn’t you hear what I said? That boy is a faggot. A fairy. He likes to fuck men.”

Bokuto just looks at them. “So?”

A smile is forming on the leaders face. Not a nice one. “You don’t care? Tell me, are you a faggy too?” The other two are laughing now and they all take another step forward. “Do you like men? Do you want to kiss and fuck men?”

Bokuto had had enough. The boy is quaking behind him.

“Yes I do!” He shouts at them.

He’s not thinking about the context of the questions or the consequences of his answers. He can feel the boy shaking his head frantically behind him. He can’t understand these people. He can’t understand anything that’s going on right now except his need to protect this boy.

While the three seem to be in shock of his honest outburst, he turns around fast and dislodges the hands in his shirt. He looks down and the boy looks up to him. His brown eyes are impossibly wide and scared beyond anything Bokuto has ever seen. His keeps his voice quiet, to keep the three from hearing and to not further terrify the boy. He doesn’t seem old enough to be in college. He’s so tiny.

“Go” he tells the boy.

With no response, he gives him a gentle push. “Go” he says again.

The three behind him are moving now, looking back and seeing more of their friends walking into the courtyard. But Bokuto doesn’t see that.

“Go to the volleyball court in the park. There should be a group of five guys there. They are my friends. Good people. Tell Akaashi that Bokuto wants someone to walk you home. I’m Bokuto. Go. You’ll be safe. Trust me. GO!”

He shouts the last word and pushes the boy away from him. He could hear the others stepping up behind him and he couldn’t let the boy get caught again.

\---

Hinata runs.

He stumbles, he heaves, but he keeps running.

He knows that park and that court. He’s practiced there before. His mind is reeling and he aches but he keeps running. Go go go go go go keeps echoing in his head. His voice is mingled with Bokuto’s.

He may be small, but he moves fast.

His body is shaking and his eyes still feel wide and jumpy and panicked, but he makes it. He stops by the court, feeling unsteady and unsure. He takes a moment to bend over, hands resting on his knees, and breathe.

There are indeed five guys there. They turn to him, standing or sitting up from their relaxed positions on the court. They all look at each other and then a tall guy with wild black hair and another tall guy with soft brown hair and glasses step forward to meet him.

  
The wild haired guy quirks an eyebrow at Hinata and crouches down in front of him. Hinata decides he looks half amused and half concerned, if that’s possible. The brown haired one stays standing but asks him quietly, “Can we help you with something Chibi-chan?”

Hinata doesn’t answer, he really can’t answer yet, but frantically looks around at all the faces. Hinata sees, with varying degrees, every face is looking back at him with concern. Far too much concern and care for someone they don’t know.

Yes, he thinks, these are good people.

The others start to approach slowly, their concern now more apparent as Hinata’s eyes finally gush quiet tears and he continues to shake and shake.

A very pretty man touches him tentatively on his shoulder and asks again how they can help him. Hinata’s eyes feel so wide they’re surely going to pop out of his head, but he can’t see anything but Bokuto’s back as he stood between him and his tormentors.

“Please…” Hinata whispers. “Please…Bokuto.”

They look surprised at that. As glances are exchanged and confusion is shown on all faces, the pretty one says “He’s not here.”

“How do you know Bokuto?” The wild one asks.

Hinata is shaking his head again. The one with soft brown hair glances at a severe looking man for help and the severe man kneels before Hinata.  
“What happened?” He demands not unkindly, eyebrows pulled down and worry shining in his eyes.

Hinata falls back onto his haunches and they let him.

“No no no no no no” Hinata is whispering. He stops. He starts again.

“Akaashi…I need Akaashi.”

Four of the faces turn to look at the pretty one crouching to the side of Hinata. He follows their gaze and the pretty man says “that’s me.”

Hinata locks onto him and words just start spewing out, twisted with the sobs that are tearing him apart as he tries to explain how he left their friend back there.

“Akaashi. Akaashi. It’s Bokuto. Bokuto sent me to tell you to have someone to walk me home but Bokuto-” he sobs “-Bokuto is still back there and he couldn’t see he couldn’t see that there were more coming behind him Akaashi and I left him there he’s there alone and I think he’s going to get hurt they’re going to hurt him because of me he sent me here to save me but now Bokuto-“

He cuts off as his sobs render him incapable for a minute and he begins to curl in on himself. The reality of what he left behind him is sinking in, what Bokuto said and how those evil men are going to respond to it.

The men in front of him are in varying states of shock and worry and action.

“Please” Hinata whispers one last time. “I left him all alone.”

The first to move is the one Hinata had yet to notice. A small, cute blond man. He approaches Hinata slowly but definitively, and sits next to him on the ground. He wraps his arm around Hinata. Hinata finishes his curl into a tight ball there next to him. Hinataa’s eyes are closed now and he can’t see anyone.

  
A quiet monotonous voice from the body curled around him says “Kuro, take Oikawa and Iwaizumi.”

He lightly shakes Hinata and whispers one word.

“Where?”

Hinata tells them.

The monotonous voice speaks again. “Akaashi and I will stay here. I am no good in a fight and I think it would be worse for Bokuto if Akaashi got hurt. I also don’t think it’s a good idea to leave this one alone.” The arm curls around him a little tighter.

Nothing else is said but Hinata can hear the sound of running footsteps leaving toward the college and one set pacing in front of him.

“I’m sorry” Hinata whispers, but he doesn’t know if anyone hears him.


	2. A SHIELD.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conclusion of the fight, and the friends arrival 
> 
> *TRIGGER WARNING*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: there are some trigger words in here, some really cruel things about a fantastic gay boy. So please be warned as you go forward. 
> 
> P.S. it does get happier, I promise

After he’s sure the little guy is running in the right direction, Bokuto turns his attention back around to the men behind him. 

All he knows right now, all he can focus on is keeping them here and not chasing after. 

He takes a breath. He stands his ground. Even when he notices a couple more guys coming to join the asshats, he stares them all down. He knows its a losing battle, there’s no way he can fight off 5 big guys. He may be big himself, tall and muscular for sure, but he’s no good with violence. He doesn’t know how to fight. 

So, he thinks, all I have to do is hold them off until the little guy has gotten far enough away. 

Bokuto can do that. His big body can make a good shield. 

The men are semi-spread in front of him, blocking any movement forward. Behind him is one of the random walls of the commons area. Of course he’d get pinned here. The little guy was probably trying to hide from them or something when they cornered him here originally. SO now he’s veritably trapped. (Akaashi taught him that word.)

Bokuto readies himself for the coming action. He’s no stranger to pain; being involved in any sport will lead to injuries. But he must admit this is the first time he’s ever voluntarily stepped into a fistfight without the plan of breaking it up. Normally he avoids violence and does his best to diffuse it. But these men won’t be dissuaded. Actually, Bokuto finds himself a little confused as to why he hasn’t been rushed yet. 

He tunes into their conversation and realizes they’re in no real rush simply because they seemed to want to begin with some verbal abuse. Just getting a little jeering and leering outta the way first. He tunes them back out. With his mind in offense mode, he can do that. Like the tunnel vision he gets when going in for a spike. 

The men move in. 

The first couple hits Bokuto manages to block with his arms, and he sidesteps the first kick. 

In the brief moment between the missed kick and the next attack Bokuto whips his arm out with all his strength, fist clenched tight, and his fist makes contact with something soft. He feels something crack under his fist. He’s not sure what body part he hit because as soon as he’s drawing his arm back in their attack resumes and his vision is blocked by too many bodies. He feels a flicker of regret for the pain he caused but it’s quickly washed away as his mind refocuses. 

There’s just too much movement too close to Bokuto’s face. He can’t follow it all. He tries to back away to get a better grasp but remembers the wall as he slams against it. 

No time for fear. 

At least now he has them all in his sights, as narrow as that is. 

He takes one step forward to try for another offensive swing but his opponents are coordinating better now. They are giving him no room or reprieve. 

Bokuto bends, blocks, and sways with his strong body and quick movements born of volleyball. 

Even with five, they haven’t breeched his defense yet. 

Yet as he’s turning to avoid another blow, Bokuto realizes too late he’s put distance between himself and the wall. At least one of them must have gotten behind him as the first blow to land on his body he was unable to block is a foot to the back of his knee. 

Payback, he guesses. 

He goes down hard on his knee. The cold, sharp lines of pain radiating from that joint shoot across his body, jarring his hips and making his eyes water. The fabric of his pants must have been torn away because he can feel his skin scraping off against the pavement. Bokuto landed all of his weight on that knee in order to keep his arms up to protect his head. 

Which was a good idea it turns out because the next blow is another kick, right to the side of his face this time. The heel only makes contact with his forearm but the force behind it still sends him off kilter with his head snapping away.

It hurts. 

His body reacts automatically without the conscious thought from his head, and his arms flail out, away, to rebalance himself. 

The pain is splintering, and with Bokuto recoiling the five take advantage of his shock. Two grab his arms from behind and next thing he knows, Bokuto finds himself back on his feet—

—Back on his feet and utterly defenseless and exposed to the three in front of him. 

Fuck. 

His arms are being twisted so hard he’s sure they’re going to pop. 

Still, he stands as tall as he can with his torso being pushed forward. He knows he’s fucked but he won’t show emotion or weakness to these assholes. 

The three in front of him look triumphant. They are the original three; the two new guys must have gotten saddled with restraining duty. Bokuto surges his muscles, pulling at his arms and pushing forward with his feet. 

He doesn’t break free totally, the grips are too tight and his arms bent too far, but he manages to swing one arm away. With the momentum, he catches them off guard and manages a punch to one of the guys in front of him before his swinging arm is recaptured and twisted even more behind his back. 

The guy in front of him that received his punch is swearing up a storm through mumbles, impeded by his already swelling jaw and mouth he’s cradling with both hands. Bokuto feels some satisfaction and smirks slightly when the two restraining him, still yelling out in surprise and effort, continue to struggle to reel him back in.

Bokuto is still struggling too but some of his satisfaction leaks out with a grunt as he gets a solid punch to the gut for his efforts. He has to stop to breath for a minute. 

One of the other guys in front of Bokuto was holding his shoulder and shouting a string of profanities too. This guy must have been the one on the receiving end of Bokuto’s first punch. Which means the cracking he felt came from that guys shoulder. 

Bokuto could understand his anger; they obviously underestimated the power behind his fists. 

Twice. 

The shame of hurting someone was slinking into Bokuto’s head now. He knew how strong he was and should’ve been more careful. That guys shoulder was probably broken, and that guys jaw! He’s lucky Bokuto only swung out of desperation and not with his full strength. 

Bokuto looked away from them both, but did note some of the more colorful curses coming from their mouths to use later. 

Their leader was standing directly in front of Bokuto, with the other two flanking. They were obviously some sort of mindless lackeys. But the leader … 

Bokuto looked into his eyes — 

— and wished he hadn’t. 

In those eyes there was such hatred and disgust, and all of it was directed right at him. Bokuto found his own eyes widening in response and his body subtly shrinking away, losing some of his height and resistance. 

Not once had he faltered before their attack, but the force of this guys rage and repulsion had Bokuto fearing what came next. 

All the adrenaline and movement from before had kept his thoughts straight and focused. 

All the adrenaline and movement had kept his thought processes to a minimum and he was able to tune everything else out. With his new found immovability, Bokuto finds it harder to tune out their voices. Especially the one of the glowering male right in front of him. 

How deeply he’d come to wish he still could.

“You disgust me. You and faggots like you. 

How can you even stand to live? 

How can you stand to be in your own skin and to know that it’s wrong? It’s just wrong and you’re wrong and so disgusting I think I’m going to vomit. 

The only thing that keeps me from killing you is knowing how high the suicide rate is for repulsive pigs like you. I can only hope you’ll follow suit. 

You should just die. The whole world would be better off, healthier, without you. 

You fuck up the normal and natural way of the world. It’s not normal to be a man who’s attracted to men you fag. 

I cant even express to you in words how much I wish you didn’t exist. Being gay is a sin.”

Every word tore into Bokuto. Every word went right to his core. He didn’t understand. 

Feeling this way wasn’t normal? 

Sure, he’s had a few girls confess to him before, never any guys though… But he’s always known he was attracted to guys! It’s always been a part of who he is, he’s never questioned it before… 

He’s never acted on it though either? His life in middle and high school was all about volleyball, so he never pursued a relationship. 

Sure, he’s made out with some girls, he can’t deny he’s attracted to them too, but there was never a relationship there. Bokuto always made sure there was that understanding first. He just thought it was harder, rarer, to find guys to make out with. Who was he to turn away a make-out session, no matter the gender?

Even now he’s in college, he only just started out and there’s been so many new things to occupy his time and mind, having a relationship hasn’t been near the forefront. 

He always had his friends around him, so he was never really lonely. There’s never really been an opportunity for him to find out his preferences were or weren’t normal till now. 

And now, in the roughest way possible, he finds out just how disgusting he is. 

Bokuto felt all the strength and the fight drain from him in a wave as the onslaught of insults continued, accompanied by hits over his restrained body. 

He felt dizzy and nauseous and was glad he was being help up because he didn’t think it would be a good idea to fall down, physically vulnerable, in front of these men. 

He already felt utterly exposed mentally. 

But all his energy was gone. And he knew the leader in front of him could see it. His triumph and satisfaction were warring with the loathing on his face and in his eyes now. 

The leader signaled to the two holding Bokuto, and they twisted his arms even farther to force him back up from his defeated slump. 

The hateful man got in a couple solid punches to Bokuto’s diaphragm before he paused again. 

His fist was pulled back to strike, but his head was cocked and he was looking past Bokuto. 

Bokuto, in the haze of physical and mental pain that he was in, barely registered the change in his abusers countenance. 

Suddenly, his arms were dropped and he was thrown to the ground where he nearly face planted. He caught his upper-body at the last second, on his hands and knees as the men around him fled to the exit. 

He panted and held himself there. Why were they running? What? Just…what?

But then he heard it.

“Bokuto!”

“Kou-chan!”

“BOKUTO!”

Ah. His friends had come for him. Kuroo, Iwaizumi, and Oikawa. 

They were big guys, they probably looked intimidating sprinting toward them. Kuroo and Iwaizumi probably had enough aura alone to scare those guys away, but with a fiery Oikawa too. It’s no wonder they ran. His friends…

… would they still be his friends if they knew? 

Bokuto closed his eyes. He could hear their footsteps now as they sprinted closer. 

Somebody dropped down beside him and laid their hand on his back. The hand started rubbing small circles into his shirt and Bokuto released the breath he had been holding. 

“Bo, you ok?”

Kuroo.

“Fuck.” Kuroo muttered, then said louder “Iwaizumi! Oikawa! Just leave them!”

Bokuto opened his eyes now. He tilted his head up to look in the direction he had heard Iwaizumi and Oikawa run. 

It appeared they had run after his attackers. 

Bokuto shook his head and let it fall back down between his shoulders. Kuroo’s hand was still on his back, and he felt the other rest upon his shoulder, tugging slightly.

“Come on Bo, lets at least get you sitting down. Your body is shaking - you must be tired - you probably can’t hold this position much longer. Have you been fighting them? The whole time since that kid left you? Shit Kou.”

Bokuto let Kuroo ramble and help him into a sitting position. Mostly because he didn’t have it in him to do anything else. 

He didn’t even have the energy to talk. Or the words to say anything with. 

He felt utterly hollow at the moment. He sat with his legs splayed in front of him and his upper body slumped. His hands were resting nowhere in particular and his eyes followed Kuroo in a face that could be a mask as the other man looked over his body. 

“Your hands and knees are bleeding. This one knee especially looks really bad. We saw them get a punch in to your stomach before they ran. How much did they hit you? And your lip is bleeding. Godammit! I hope you got some good hits in too cause from what we could see they had you practically trussed up as a punching bag. Do I need to teach you how to fight dirty Bo?” 

Kuroo was laying a hand on the injured torso and still rambling as his eyes finally met Bokuto’s. Bokuto heard Kuroo’s words die in his mouth, watched Kuroo’s eyes widen and the color drain from his face. 

Why? 

“Bo…what did they do to you?”

… 

The only conclusion Bokuto could draw was that he must look as dead on the outside as he felt on the inside. He could tell his face was slack and expressionless. He knew it wasn’t normal for him not to smile at his bro or to try to reassure him he was alright. 

But he couldn’t bring himself to do a gods damned thing other than sit and crumble and stare at the guy he always assumed knew everything about him. 

But he doesn’t; he doesn’t know everything. He doesn’t know the thing that makes him dirty and unworthy of the beautiful friend in front of him. He looks away from Kuroo, hanging his head toward the ground. 

For the first time Bokuto could remember, he pulled away from Kuroo’s touch. 

Iwaizumi and Oikawa were coming back now. 

Bokuto could hear them even though he didn’t look up to meet their eyes. 

He could see their shoes suddenly as they stopped in front of him. Iwaizumi stayed standing, but Oikawa came around to where Kuroo was still kneeling next to Bokuto and squatted down. 

“Kou-chan? Are you ok? Iwa-chan wanted to chase them down for you, and for that Chibi-chan. We still can if you want.”

Bokuto remained silent.

“Bokuto?” Oikawa reached out a hand to touch Bokuto, but suddenly Iwaizumi was there, gently grasping his wrist to restrain him. Bokuto looked up at the two and saw Oikawa throwing Iwaizumi a confused and reproachful glance, but Iwaizumi was looking down at Bokuto. He seemed to be trying to find an answer on Bokuto’s face. Bokuto remained impassive but held the eye contact. The tiny part of him that hadn’t shut down willed the strong and compassionate Iwaizumi to help him. Somehow. He didn’t deserve help, but that tiny part just wanted to leave this place and needed an outside hand to help. Bokuto finally looked away. 

“I think we should call it a day guys. Let’s get Bokuto home. We need to find out the extent of his injuries, but not here. Somewhere more comfortable…” 

Bokuto allowed his eyes to close, the only sign of his tiny relief. 

When he opened them Iwaizumi and Oikawa were standing in front of him, and Kuroo was standing at his side. 

Bokuto looked up at the three men. 

They all reached their hands out to him. 

Bokuto was almost moved to emotion, until he remembered how gross he was. His eyes went flat again. Still he reached his hands out to meet theirs. 

When Oikawa started to withdraw his hand in favor of letting Kuroo and Iwaizumi take the lead, Bokuto grasped that retreating hand. 

Bokuto placed his other hand in Iwaizumi’s and they pulled him up to his feet. 

Bokuto saw Kuroo’s hand move away slowly and saw him retreat a step. He flicked a glance up to Kuroo’s face and saw confusion and worry and a little pain there form the rejection, but mostly concern for Bokuto. Bokuto looked away again. 

He had to. 

Would his friend look at him that way if he knew the truth? The ball of misery and anxiety in Bokuto continued to grow and he felt himself become smaller and smaller. 

“Come on Bokuto, somewhere safe.” Iwaizumi whispered to him as he pulled Bokuto’s arm across his shoulder carried his limping weight along all on his own. If Bokuto could be glad of one thing, it was that Akaashi wasn’t here too.


	3. breaking/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: Trigger warning for self-loathing and a panic attack. Proceed with caution.

Bokuto doesn’t remember the trek to his apartment. 

He doesn’t remember anything that was said. 

Though he’s sure that his friends tried to talk to him and that they definitely talked amongst themselves. 

He simply couldn’t process anything else at the moment. At least his friends knew where he lived so he didn't have to try to find the energy to lead them to his apartment. 

When they arrived at the doorstep, Bokuto did have to make a slight move to find his house key. 

He pulled away from Iwaizumi and was patting his pockets when he realized all his stuff was in his bag. 

In his bag that he had left at the court when he ran away. 

He closed his eyes and felt himself sinking that much lower. He couldn't even manage to remember his own things and now he and his friends were stuck standing outside his apartment. What a fucking failure. Seriously. 

Seriously. 

He just knew if he tried to say something to them his mask would shatter to dust and he did NOT want that to happen. 

He was standing slightly in front of his friends, in front of his door, trying not to cry out of sheer exhaustion. His hands were sticking half-in his pockets from his search for his key and his body was motionless apart from the tremors wracking through his frame.

He was trying desperately to pull himself together enough to communicate with the people behind him. 

For fuck’s sake, he needed to at least manage to tell them they were locked out.

That he couldn’t even manage this much.

That he was a waste of space that can’t remember till it’s too late he doesn’t have his key and now three of the most important people in his life are straddled with a fucking ball and chain of a friend who does nothing but inconvenience them and — 

Bokuto hadn’t realized his body had moved until a hand tentatively touched his shoulder. He was jerked out of his thoughts and found himself crouching in front of his door, hands over his ears to block out his thoughts, head shaking slightly back and forth. 

He flinched away from the contact.

But it did turn out he was communicating enough without words for his friend to register he didn’t have a way for them to get into the apartment.

“It’s ok, Bo, I’ll call Akaashi.” Kuroo said softly, pulling his hand away. He stepped back with his phone already pressed to his ear. They could hear him begin to talk quietly as he walked away from them.

Bokuto quickly stood up from his crouch and turned away from his door to face outward.

“Kou-chan…It’s ok, you know? We don’t mind waiting with you,” Oikawa whispered, looking hesitant and reassuring all at once. He stepped up a little closer to Bokuto’s side. “It’s not a big deal, right Iwa-chan?” 

“Right.”

Kuroo was stepping quickly towards them again, slipping his phone back into his pocket. 

He stepped up to where Bokuto was now standing in front of his door facing them, statuesque, and reached up above the doorway. 

Bokuto was caught off guard by the movement, and found himself following Kuroo’s hand as it reached into the light fixture hanging by his door. When it retracted, it had a key clasped in it’s fingers. 

Bokuto felt shock break through the forefront of his mind, shoving everything else away. It was soon followed by utter confusion. He beetled his brows and stared at Kuroo. His question was clear upon his face.

Kuroo gave him a tentative smile, “Akaashi said he had a spare made the day after you moved in here and stored it in the light fixture ready for the day you had lost or forgotten your own key.”

“Great news! Now we don’t have to wait to get you relaxed and in bed, Kou-chan!”

“Yea, let’s get that door open, Kuroo. Bokuto must be in pain.”

Kuroo’s face fell slightly, like he just remembered the situation, but his eyes were still hopeful as they looked into Bokuto’s. 

Bokuto realized then that he had yet to look away, and in fact his mouth was still dropped open in dumbfounded amazement at Akaashi’s forethought and knowledge of Bokuto’s stupidity. 

But when he heard Oikawa’s and Iwaizumi’s words, reality dropped back down upon him in pains throughout his whole body and a vice-tight grip around his heart. 

Bokuto’s mouth snapped shut and his eyes went flat, and he jerked them away from Kuroo’s. 

His whole body flinched away from Kuroo. 

(Bokuto didn’t see it, but Kuroo’s own face now fell into a sort of confused fear at Bokuto’s movements. 

Oikawa and Iwaizumi exchanged a shocked look. 

What the hell was happening??)

Kuroo reached out and unlocked the front door.

———

Kuroo had stepped in first and held the door open as Bokuto and Iwaizumi came through next, the latter supporting the former once again, followed by Oikawa. 

Bokuto paused on the doorstep, unsure of how to proceed from here. He didn’t want to talk, he didn’t want to answer any questions or even have any thrown at him. He didn’t want anything forcing him to relive those words more than his traitorous brain was already doing. 

Bokuto realized Iwaizumi had released him while he had been contemplating, and glanced up to mark the others positions. 

All three were staring at him, caution and worry in their eyes. 

Bokuto closed his to the sight. 

He sighed. 

He couldn’t take any more of this. 

He couldn’t take anymore of their worry or their fear or their kindness. 

He didn’t deserve it, and he had nothing left in himself right now to give them. 

He just wanted them to go away. To go away and forget him because he didn’t deserve them, not anymore. 

Maybe he never had. 

But Bokuto knows he needs to do something now or they’ll stay there staring at him. And he can’t take that. 

So he opens his eyes again and looks only at Iwaizumi. 

He opens his mouth for the first time since they picked him up off the ground and he says, “I need to lie down. My body aches, and I would just like to rest alone. Please,” he adds when he hears noises of protest. 

He looks only to Iwaizumi, who is staring him down, watching and assessing. He nods once.

Iwaizumi breaks their eye contact to glare at the others, and the protesting noises and mumbles cease. 

Bokuto can’t stop a little gratitude from showing in his eyes and limps toward his bedroom, leaving the others staring after him. 

Nobody follows him, and he is grateful again for Iwaizumi.

Bokuto makes it to his room, through his door, closes it, and collapses upon his bed. 

He hisses in pain immediately though, wounds aggravated. 

He huffs and flips his body over until he’s laying straight and on his back full spread out on his bed. His eyes are closed; there are slow tears finally leaking from between his lids and down his cheeks, but he is too worn to actually sob. 

His chest is too tight to let anything that big out. 

His lips are trembling, his body is trembling, his eyes are leaking. 

His mind starts to reel more and more, the world spinning around his body as he flows into silent panic. 

He soon realizes the real reason he’s not sobbing is because he can’t breath. 

He can’t breath and he can’t think and his body starts to curl up without his permission

He is gasping and crying and pulling at his hair

His chest his heart is constricting and it feels like its beating inside out and pushing on his lungs and he can’t breath

He can’t see anything anymore, everything is spinning and blurry and his stomach is clawing it’s way up his already constricted throat 

His chest just feels too full, everything pushing and screaming and thrashing and knotting up in there and it’s too much it’s all too much and he can’t breath or see or care —

Suddenly he feels hands on him that aren’t his. 

Hands that are pulling his fingers from his hair and forcing his body to straiten. 

Hands that all pulling his shirt off his head, choking him and suffocating him tightening around his neck but then it’s off and his chest feels like it can expand more and his throat doesn’t feel so tight. 

There are hands holding both of his and hands that are pushing on his chest, right above where his lungs are and the pressure and the movement help loosen the strangling there, remind him his heart is still in there are still beating 

A hand takes one of his and places it upon another chest and he can feel that chest expanding and breathing and he tries to realign his breathing to that steady rhythm. In and out and in and out and in.. and out.. and in… and out… he can breathe again

His body still aches and his chest still feels tight, but he can breathe again 

Tears are still leaking from his eyes and his teeth are still bared and his muscles still feel locked up tight but everything has stopped spinning. 

He can breathe again for another minute 

He feels a hand around one of his, a hand on his chest, and a hand still holding one of his to a slowly expanding chest. Another hand starts running through his hair, and his muscles slowly slowly start to relax. 

He can breath again 

Bokuto cracks open his eyes. 

Sitting next to him on the edge of his bed is Oikawa. 

Oikawa with one hand carding through Bokuto’s hair and the other holding Bokuto’s hand to his chest, breathing steadily. 

Kneeling next to the bed is Iwaizumi. 

Iwaizumi with Bokuto’s other hand clasped tightly in one of his own and Iwaizumi’s other hand pushing warmth into the center of Bokuto’s chest. 

They’re both looking at him steadily, their eyes showing him nothing but concern. 

All Bokuto can do is continue to match his breathing with Oikawa’s and relax his muscles one at a time.

After a few minutes of this Bokuto’s mind is starting to settle and his senses are starting to come back to him. He lets his eyes wander around the room. 

There is a first-aid kit sitting on the end of the bed. 

That must be what brought the two into Bokuto’s room in the first place. 

What a pathetic state they found him in too. The door to his room is still closed. No Kuroo to be seen. 

Thank the gods.

Bokuto lets the hollowness take hold again and levels his gaze toward his friends. They’re still watching him, assessing him. Calculating and ready for some answers. He can see it in their eyes. Now that they’ve got him here, in a newly relaxed state, they’re going to interrogate. 

Bokuto closes his eyes again and more tears slip from the corners. 

“Bokuto.”

He doesn’t respond.

“Bokuto, Kuroo is still here too. We convinced him to stay in the living room, call Akaashi back and give him and Kenma a more detailed account of what has happened,” Bokuto winces at that, “not that we know much, and to check on the kid. Kuroo wanted to be with you, but we told him to give you space. He seriously didn’t want to …but I think he remembers, as we do, the way you’ve been pulling away since we found you. But still, he refused point blank to leave the apartment.”

Bokuto cringes some more and cries some more and waits.

After a brief pause, “Kou-chan, what happened?”

Bokuto’s lips tremble and he hates this weakness, this need, but he suddenly really wants to tell them. They just helped him learn to breath again, and are still holding him. In this space, Bokuto wants to tell them. He needs to know what they think. He needs to tell them.

His stomach starts to tie itself in knots and he feel nauseous again. He’s terrified.

“Oikawa, do you know anyone who’s gay?”

When no answer is immediately forth coming, Bokuto’s impatient nerves get the better of him and he glances up at Oikawa’s face. His mouth is parted and his eyes are wide; he looks rather frozen in shock. Glancing to Iwaizumi, Bokuto sees a similar expression on his face, minus the gaping jaw. Obviously they hadn’t expected that to come from his mouth.

Nerves rising by the second, and panic with it, Bokuto squeaks out, “Guys?” 

But doesn’t give them a chance to answer before he starts spiraling down and words start tumbling from his mouth. 

“Nevermind, I’m sure you don’t. Why would you purposefully seek someone who’s so gross and wrong. Why would you possibly know someone that shouldn’t even exist really I mean you guys are so smart and great and kind and I mean I know you would never like condemn anyone but gay people are so wrong and —”

Bokuto is cut off by a hand slamming against his mouth and the towering figure of Iwaizumi now standing above him. 

Iwaizumi looked absolutely terrifying, and Bokuto flinched back so hard he tried to sink into his bed. 

He swiveled his wide, terrified gaze over to Oikawa, but he looked murderous too. Murderous, but there was hesitation and confusion there too. 

Oikawa was slowly reaching a hand out to Iwaizumi; slowly, because he still looked to be struggling with shock and anger, and also seemed to be thinking quickly quickly — 

Bokuto ratcheted his attention back to Iwaizumi as he practically spit out at him, “How fucking dare you. How fucking dare you say those things with us right here —”

But Iwaizumi was cut off too by a hand going over his mouth. 

Oikawa’s hand. 

Iwaizumi turned outraged eyes now upon Oikawa, but Oikawa was looking at Bokuto. With eyes that showed a dawning understanding. 

Iwaizumi’s anger seemed to dissipate looking at Oikawa’s face, and now he just looked confused again. 

Oikawa removed his hand from Iwaizumi, and Iwaizumi cocked his head at him. They seemed to be having a silent conversation. 

Bokuto watched it all, but didn’t take any of it in. Everything was happening so fast and he couldn’t keep up anymore. His mind had shut down with the first sign of Iwaizumi’s anger. He laid there with tears leaking from his wide eyes and his final hope crumbling around him. 

He closed his eyes on them. He didn’t care now. 

His chest felt like it was collapsing again. He knew this would happen. He knew

Iwaizumi removed his hand from his mouth, and no hands were on him anymore. 

Bokuto felt their absence like it was the final sign of abandonment, and he turned away from them curling into a ball and trembling. 

“No— wait Koutarou.” It was Oikawa using his full name that caused him to cock his head back toward them enough that one seriously wet golden eye could see them. 

Oikawa spoke again, “Koutarou, turn around. I need you to answer something for us.”

Bokuto shook his head and turned away again, curling up more.

No way was he going to confirm it for them. 

Oikawa tried again, “Koutarou, Iwaizumi misunderstood what you were saying I think. Please turn around. I want you to answer something, and then I’ll answer your questions too.”

Bokuto hesitated…but then he did turn around. 

He still wanted to know, and he figured he couldn’t feel any worse than he already did. 

So he turned around. 

He sat up and turned his body to face Oikawa’s. 

His gaze, however, he couldn’t bring to lift from the floor. 

“I do,” said Oikawa, “I do know people who are gay.”

Bokuto froze.

“Look at me, Koutarou.” 

Oikawa reached out and placed his hands on either side of Bokuto’s face. He put gentle pressure there and lifted Bokuto’s head until wet golden eyes met soft brown ones. 

Bokuto couldn’t keep the eye contact for long and looked away to see Iwaizumi standing behind Oikawa now, with an arm around Oikawa’s shoulders and body bent to be on eye level with them. 

Iwaizumi didn’t look angry now. 

Bokuto moved his eyes back to Oikawa. And there he saw such compassion and understanding that Bokuto’s breath was stolen. 

“Koutarou, are you gay?”

Bokuto froze again, panic shutting down his system entirely. 

He heard Iwaizumi breath out, “Fuck..” and Oikawa’s thumbs started rubbing Bokuto’s cheeks, trying to get his attention. 

But Bokuto was stuck frozen, waiting for them to start hitting him, or hating him. 

He saw Iwaizumi start to move and Bokuto’s body recoiled without thought. 

Bokuto twisted away from them and backed into the corner of his bed, unable to go any further. His breathing was becaming short and he couldn’t get enough air and his eyes were wide and his arms were wrapped around himself, ready to simultaneously protect and hold himself together. 

But Oikawa was still where Bokuto left him, arms still in the air and cupping the ghost of Bokuto’s face. 

And Iwaizumi was still behind Oikawa, now standing tall, but with a look of such pain and a little guilt on his face that made Bokuto hesitate again in his assumptions. 

“Koutarou, we aren’t going to hurt you,” said Oikawa softly, lowering his arms slowly.

Iwaizumi sounded pained as he said, “Bokuto…I’m so sorry. You were talking about yourself weren’t you..” It wasn’t a question; it sounded like he was realizing it himself as he said it aloud, “Bokuto… none of that is true.”

Bokuto just started to shake his head. 

“No, Koutarou, remember,” said Oikawa, “remember what I said. I said I know someone who is gay?”

Bokuto stopped shaking his head to listen.

“I am gay, Koutarou, and so is Iwaizumi. We’ve been together for a few years now. So let me tell you, just as Iwaizumi did, none of what you said is true.”

 

“…what? No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“…Yes, Kou-chan. We are. We love each other. We are gay for each other. Get it through your head cause I’m not repeating it again.” Oikawa said it with such strength, such confidence, such exasperation. Not a single scrap or sliver of shame or the self-hatred that Bokuto had been feeling.

And Bokuto just stared at them. 

Neither of them looked away. 

No, in fact, Iwaizumi seemed to swell in pride at Oikawa’s …his boyfriend’s words. He obviously felt the same way. And when he looked down to Oikawa, there was such tenderness and love in his eyes Bokuto absolutely cannot believe he’s never noticed it before. 

Bokuto felt like his reality was shattering around him once again. And he just sat there, stupidly, staring at them with his mouth agape and brain disconnected. 

Iwaizumi glanced at Bokuto and sighed, sitting down on the end of the bed next to Oikawa. 

Now both of them were sitting there staring him down, gazes level and warm, where he still sat tucked in his corner. When he realized this he unwound his body from his defensive position. 

He hesitated, then slowly scooted a little closer. He narrowed his eyes at the pair and eyed them, crossing his arms over his chest and setting his back straight. 

But in all honesty, there was no way he couldn’t believe them. Everything from their words to their postures to the look in their eyes screamed their honesty.

Bokuto truly started to feel a sense of hope. It was little, and it honestly scared him, but it was there. 

He opened his mouth to say gods knew what, but Iwaizumi cut him off.

“I have to know, is that what happened today Bokuto? From your complete emotional shut down earlier, your panic attack, and your reaction to my movements just a few minutes ago… Did those guys beat you because they found out you are gay? 

Bokuto could only nod.

“But…” Oikawa started, “How did they find out? I mean, we didn’t even know.”

Bokuto snorted. (Gods it felt good to feel some normal emotions.) He said, “I didn’t even know.”

Oikawa and Iwaizumi just looked confused, so Bokuto backtracked and rephrased. “I mean, I’ve always known, you know, but I’ve never pursued it. Never thought much of it really. It was something I knew and took for granted as just being a part of me. So yes ok, I knew, but I didn’t know there was like a label to it, or that it was different from being attracted to a girl, or that it was …abnormal.”

“Ok…that makes sense I think,” said Oikawa, “You do live in your own world most of the time, wrapped up in your happy energy bubble. I can see how you’d never realize because you yourself would never condemn or discriminate someone for differences. So why would you expect others to. 

Does that make sense, Iwa-chan? 

He’s always so happy and accepting and naive and rather stupid, and he usually avoids confrontation, not to mention he pretty much befriends everyone he meets. It would make sense that he’s never seen, nor ever had to face this type of discrimination.”

Iwaizumi looked thoughtful, “Yes I can see that too. And I’m sure his friends would have protected him at school from any potential bullying. He can be a bit dense and impetuous even with that giant heart of his.”

They both looked back to him. Bokuto wasn’t sure how he should be feeling right now. He felt upset because ‘Hello! I’m sitting right here!’ and he’s pretty sure they’ve insulted him several times. But he’s also feeling relieved and a tiny bit hopeful and he’s also pretty sure they’ve complimented him several times too. 

He’s sure he looks as lost as he feels.

Oikawa smiles at him rather indulgently but Iwaizumi asks, “So then, how did they find out?”

Bokuto shrugs and says, “When I found them, the kid was curled up on the ground surrounded.” 

Bokuto hears rage leak into his voice. “He was so defenseless and when I saw one of them lift his leg ready to slam it down on this tiny body I just acted. I stopped him. They told me to back off, they were teaching him a lesson. Because he’s a faggot. The kid was shaking so bad. They told me to leave them to it, and I never would have anyways but then the kid asked me to help him. He was terrified and hurt but he clung to a complete stranger and asked for help with such hopelessness in his eyes. 

I don’t think he expected me to actually do just that. 

So I once again told those losers that I didn’t care what they said, I wasn’t going to let them hurt him anymore. When they asked me if I was helping because I was a faggot too I simply told them yes. I wasn't thinking of the consequences, or why they would care; I wanted to get their attention away from the kid. I sent him away to you, damn could he run, and I just tried to keep them busy long enough for him to reach you.”

“Kou-chan, that was really brave.”

“I don’t think many people would’ve done what you did, especially for a complete stranger. Especially when, by doing so, you put yourself in very obvious danger.”

“You really do have a heart of gold you big stupid teddy bear!”

Bokuto throws his pillow at Oikawa. 

Iwaizumi slaps Oikawa upside the head, for which Bokuto thanks him while Oikawa pouts.

“Guys…Thanks,” said Bokuto with a surprisingly shy but growing grin, “I was, well, I was spiraling down fast and hard and I don’t know if I could’ve been drawn back up without you. I don’t think I would’ve listened to anyone else. Anyone who didn’t know how to fix it, who didn’t understand. So thanks for trusting me, and telling me the truth. Thank you for caring enough to do so. I know I’m an idiot, and impulsive, and childish, and hardly worthy.” The last sentence he whispered, so he wasn’t sure they heard him. 

If they did, they chose to ignore it.

Iwaizumi smiled at him and clapped him on the shoulder. Oikawa’s smile was as big as Bokuto’s, crinkling his eyes, and he said, “Kou-chan, we love you. We are your friends! And that’s what friends do.”

“Yes,” said Iwaizumi seriously, “I’m just glad we were here to help.”

“Me too.”

Bokuto was feeling raw and exposed, but now with a little warmth back into his fingers and toes.

When he heard the door creak open just then, his head automatically swiveled over to it. 

And he felt his heart stop in his chest; all the progress he just made with Iwaizumi and Oikawa seemed to fall away. 

No matter who walked through the door he’d have to answer more of the same questions and relive everything that just happened. 

And maybe not everyone would have the same reactions as Iwaizumi and Oikawa. Maybe whoever was walking through the door would condemn him and he’d lose a friend. 

He’d lose a friend, a part of his heart, and a part of his soul. 

He was starting to spiral again, and the person hadn’t even gotten through the door yet. 

Shit he can’t do this. 

After what felt like ages, the door finally opened enough for a person to step through. 

When he saw Akaashi standing there, gazing at him with confusion, concern, and what appeared to be genuine cold anger in those expressive eyes, the newly acquired traces of warmth drained from Bokuto’s body. 

He felt his features drop into nervous fear and his eyes fill with tears again. 

He fought for the emotionless mask he’d worn earlier.

Akaashi was totally mad at him. 

Fuck. 

He knew this was going to happen.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my FIRST TIME writing FanFic so please BE GENTLE. But please comment. If there's one thing I have learned from reading all the other amazing stories posted here it's that feedback is the lifeblood to keep writers motivated. So if you like my story, comment or kudos me bro to keep it going!! 
> 
> P.S. Bokuto is AWESOME.


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